IainSome people say “dogs are a man’s best friend”, others say “cats are purrfect” (sorry). There even those who say “every hedgehog needs a double tailed fox”. Ok so no one actually says that but my point is animal lovers are everywhere, even in computer games. But what about the animals people love to hate? From creepy crawlies to skunks there are some animals that just can’t be loved. Again this is true of game creatures. What follows is my personal list of five computer game critters I want to take a trowel to:
5: Kiddy Kong
The baby Kong first introduced in Donkey Kong Country 3. But wait, what’s that? This baby has superhuman strength! Whoever would have thought to combine these two disparate ideas…Ok so Kiddy Kong may not be the most annoying character ever created but he is an unoriginal and boring one who almost feels thrown in to DKC3 just to fill a Diddy-less void.
4: Knuckles the Echidna
Again, Knuckles seems to be a character purely created to drag out the Sonic series. Tails was cute and fluffy with a friendly face and a helicopter tail. In short, the perfect partner for a quick blue hedgehog, but Knuckles just oozes contrived baditude, which is made worse by the fact that he’s a pink/red echidna.
3: Slippy Toad
The annoying, whiny toad from Starfox. In all honesty I dislike all of the characters in Starfox with the exception of Fox McCloud himself but Slippy is by far the most annoying with his high pitched winging and stupid face.
2: Quina Quen
Quina is a Qu. Whether that’s pronounced Kwuh or Cue I don’t know, but what I do know is that Quina is the most annoying character ever to appear in a Final Fantasy game. First of all s/he looks a mess, dressed like a cross between a clown and a chef with a stupidly long tongue constantly hanging from its gormless face. Secondly it actually makes Jar Jar Binks sound intelligent and thirdly it’s always trying to eat things. What makes it worse is Quina is actually quite a powerful character, which means having to put up with the annoying shit throughout the majority of the game.
1: Metapod
What the hell is the point of Metapod other than to infuriate you in the early stages of Pokemon Red, Blue and Yellow? It’s move list usually contains “harden” and fuck all else, meaning fighting it with a low level pokemon gets progressively harder each round and trying to level it up means sending it out first then switching to a decent pokemon but leaving that one open to an attack. Even the fact that it evolves into Butterfree doesn’t justify how utterly rubbish Metapod is.
Throughout history humans have always had a bond with the other animals that inhabit the Earth with us. In ancient Egypt cats were considered sacred and dogs are often referred to as man’s best friend. Even in most modern religions, certain animals are heralded and now thanks to the likes of Fable 2 and it’s ever faithful canine companion, the bond between man and beast is spreading into computer games.
10: Okami
It’s not often that a game lets you play as a spiritual wolf and even rarer that said spiritual wolf has a magic paintbrush. Not only does Okami Amaterasu look amazing, she also doesn’t speak. A trick that some game animals need to adopt [cough] Slippy Toad [cough].
9: Earthworm Jim
OK so without his robot suit Earthworm Jim would be pretty shit because he would in fact just be an ordinary earthworm, but with the suit he is the most bad ass worm you’re ever likely to encounter. He could kick a Weedle’s arse any day at least.
8: Tails
Granted he is usually found trailing behind Sonic or landing on spikes but sod it, he’s a fox with two tails. What’s not to love. Look at that face and tell me you don’t like him, I dare you.
7: Donkey Kong
The original pixilated primate makes an appearance at number 7, coming second in my list of favourite Kongs. As much as I like Donkey Kong, he lacks the personality that Diddy has but without Donkey Kong’s infamous battles with Jumpman we probably wouldn’t have had the two brilliant platform series that were Donkey Kong Country and Mario World.
6: Banjo
The long suffering partner of Kazooie’s annoying put downs and observations. The main reason I like Banjo so much is because he shares so many qualities with myself. Laziness, good manners and a pair of canary yellow shorts. I mean…um…..
5: Rachni Queen
The Rachni Queen from Mass Effect is one of the first creatures in a game that I have actually felt sorry for. Without ruining the plot too much for those who haven’t played it, the Rachni Queen has been locked up for experimental purposes, away from her “children” who need to hear her telepathic song to develop properly. You, as Shepard, have the choice to let her (and her entire species) live or die and my god is it a tough choice.
4: Jazz Jackrabbit
This choice is kind of on a par with Tails in terms of the logic behind it. I mean a rabbit with a gun? you’re onto a winner already, but mention that it was Cliff Bleszinski who co-created the game and you know it’s going to be brilliant.
3: Yoshi
Mario’s ever faithful dinosaur companion and highest rated reptile on my list. He’s cute, friendly and great to have a round if you have a turtle infestation but he does have an annoying tendency to run back and forward really fast if he gets hit by anything.
2: Diddy Kong
The best Kong in my eyes. As I said before, Donkey Kong was great but I’ve met greeters in ASDA who have a better personality than he did. Diddy Kong was the cool young Kong with his red cap and matching jacket. He is also a very loyal friend, launching a two monkey rescue operation to save his bestest buddy Donkey in Donkey Kong Country 2.
1: Fable 2′s dog
Here we are at number one, and it just goes to prove that dogs really are man’s best friend. Not only does he follow you obediently no matter how dark the cavern or how deep the water, but he also helps sniff out important treasure. I’ve played a lot of games and done a lot of things that would be considered at the very least, morally questionable. I’ve picked up a hooker, had my fun then killed her and took my money back, I’ve killed whimpering hostages without a moment’s thought and I’ve even tried to get the Grab Bag achievement on Turok but the only time I ever struck my dog in Fable 2, I immediately felt as guilty as a schoolboy caught during “private time”.
